London Emission Zone – An Utter Shambles

Me: I’d like to pay the emission zone charge. But I need to know if I went in before midnight.
Bellend: We can’t tell you that information.
Me: But I need to know. I don’t want to get a fine.
Bellend: We have no access to the cameras.
Me: So if I pay two charges will I get a refund?
Bellend: No, once you pay, the records are deleted.
Me: There must be someone somewhere that can check.
Bellend: No, no one has access to the cameras.
Me: So how do you know how to charge someone a fine?
Bellend: The computer sends an automatic fine?
Me: Is there way you can record that I’ve made an enquiry so if the fine turns up I can just pay the daily charge.
Bellend: No once it’s a fine you have to pay that?
Me: So there is absolutely one anywhere that can help me? I just have to pay the charge whether I went in or not? £100 is a lot of money to me.
Bellend: No there is no one. No one had access to the cameras or the information.

I put the phone down flabbergasted that a multi-million pound making scheme is so badly organised. The problem with this little jobsworth is, they could have helped. There are always ways around these things. They just simply couldn’t be bothered. I was in the zone for about two hours and just wanted to pay like a good little boy, but they couldn’t be bothered to be vaguely helpful. Shame on you London Transport for your poor system and badly trained morons on the phone.

About Mike Belgrave

I am Mike Belgrave, stand up comedian. animator, outsider music musicologist, shambolic ukulele player and music video director extraordinaire.
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2 Responses to London Emission Zone – An Utter Shambles

  1. Very Kafkaesque. You may or may not have committed the act but no one can tell you otherwise thus condemned without a fair trial. Amazing!

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