Torchwood Revisited part 2

0103 Ghost Machine

So far this is the best episode.  OK, I know it’s only the third one, but this is right up my street.  More like an episode of Cracker than a sci-fi program.  I don’t remember liking Owen by this point originally, but here he’s good.  When he saw the start of the rape and murder of Lizzie this was where the character started to shine.  Perhaps the bullshit laddishness juxtaposed with the genuinely frightened and powerless person we see has more impact and not only was this was top notch tense stuff I enjoyed it more on a second viewing.

There was also a nice bit of sexual tension between Captain Jack and Gwen in the firing range and a nice moment of Gwen with two guns.  Is there nothing she can’t do sexy?  I bet she could give you semi cleaning the toilet.  I thought it was a nice touch when Gwen asks Jack where he sleeps and it’s obvious he lives in the Torchwood facilities and probably never sleeps.  Or at least it’s insinuated.  The Doctor Who episode The Doctor’s Wife hints that the Doctor lives in the control room and never sleeps.

There was just one decent scene after another and I particularly enjoyed it when Owen confronts Lizzie’s murderer and the fact that he was able to describe the scene in such detail was gripping.

This was much more in line with the idea that Torchwood was to be the adult Doctor Who because the themes are adult rather than having a bunch of bodily functions of display to push the program past the watershed.   Although it was slightly spoiled by having the murdering rapist kill himself by landing on the knife Gwen’s holding.  Mainly because the knife didn’t look sharp enough to cut through a fart.  At least we didn’t end with the cliché of Owen running Bernie over with the Torchwood car.  Now that would have been pathetic.

The next one’s the Cyberwoman episode.  Let’s see if it’s as bad as I remembered.

7 out of 10

0104 Ciderwoman

This is actually worse than I remember it.  Right from the off this is rubbish.  Let’s get this right, Yento who is basically the tea boy is able to shift tons of hi tech equipment and his half cyber woman girlfriend in a top security building without  anyone noticing?  Bollocks.

And Yento couldn’t have been that into his girlfriend because a year later he’s batting for the other team with Captain Jack.  And I can’t blame him.  There is a complete and utter lack of chemistry between him and his Cyber girlfriend.  By the way, judging by her acting the suit should have been made out of wood.  And did anyone else notice the cyber high heels and cyber bra?  I’m sure they weren’t issue during Tom Baker’s day.

Now tell me if this is a bad plot device.  When the Japanese guy gets killed, Yento feels the need to drag the body halfway through the Torchwood basement to hide it.  Surely leaving it where the Cyberwoman is would be more than fine?  If they haven’t stumbled across her by now, they’re hardly going to trip over a dead body in the same place.  Also after the stunning performance from Owen last week, he lets himself down by going all gravelly like Jack Bower when he first sees the conversion unit.

Alright, I know I’m giving it a pasting, so let’s look at what was positive about it.  Erm,  Gwen strapped down in the cyber conversion unit.  Phoar.  Now back to the pasting.

Yento’s blubbering and whining was seriously irritating.  I would have thrown him in a cell for getting everyone into that mess but mainly to make shut him up the dribbling fool.

More daft plot devices.  The Cyberwoman is about to go for Gwen, but Owen stops her by saying, “What you waitin’ for?” and then she simply follows?  Then Jack Harkness says, “This is a fight to the death.”  No it’s not.  All they’d have to do it shout, “Oi over here” from different directions enough time to have her standing at the bottom of a cliff and then simply drop an anvil on her head.  It works in the Road Runner cartoons and those are a hell of a lot more sensibly written that this pile a crap.

Although it’s still not as bad as the abomination that is Richard Curtis’ Blind Chicken episode of Doctor Who.

And what a stupid ending.  Covering her in with barbecue sauce and letting the Pterodactyl eat her beggars belief.  Yanto needs a seriously good punch in the mouth throughout this episode.  I’m surprised they didn’t just give him a massive dose of amnesia pills and dumped him in the nearest midnight KFC.

And just when you relax and say thank god that’s over, she comes back with her brain transplanted in the delivery girl’s head, which she managed to do in about 4 minutes.

And who thought the final scene with the romantic music playing while Yanto has a big snot trail coming out of his nose was good idea?

Awful.  This wasn’t so funny it was bad and Yentob, get a tissue man.

1 out of 10

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About Mike Belgrave

I am Mike Belgrave, stand up comedian. animator, outsider music musicologist, shambolic ukulele player and music video director extraordinaire.
This entry was posted in Mike Belgrave's Doctor Who blog, Torchwood. Bookmark the permalink.

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