Snog Marry Avoid

Oh god! I have no idea why, but I really love the programme Snog Marry Avoid. For those of you familiar with my current attire, I am not in the slightest bit interested in fashion. In fact, I have been known to wear clothes till they’re practically falling off my back, but I can’t get enough of this show. If there were a DVD box set and I was given it as a present I’d watch it all in one go plus the extras. (I wouldn’t pay for it of course. Why would I? It’s always on the telly, plus I’m a cheapskate)

If you’ve never seen it, the premise is to get people who dress…. how can I put this subtlety? Well… cheap, crass and chavvy and get them to sandblast their make off and change their “sexy to them” but “embarrassing to us” costumes to something more respectable. Thereby turning these day glo orange mutant ducklings into easier on the eye swans.

They don’t always get it right. Occasionally they make some slutty bleach blonde low cut leopard skinned mini dressed big boobed corn beefed legged tart look 10 years older and like a 1950s primary school teacher. And that’s no good to man nor Leeds Tiger Tiger.

They also get some people on that look at bit “alternative”. I have no idea what they are. In my day there were just punks and Goths. So to me they look a bit punky/gothy. Thank god the producers usually deem these people not usable and send them on their miserable way. This is fine with me, because they tend to look great as they are. The world’s a colourful place because of gothy/punky/emu people and they must not be defrocked or made normal, otherwise Camden may as well just turn itself into one giant JD Sports. There’s also the danger that they dress this way to make up for a lack of personality. Take that away and you’re just left with spare body parts.

There’s two presenters. One is “Pod”, which is a 3rd rate computer akin to “Deep Thought” in The Hitchhikers’ Guide to the Galaxy. Industrial, Light and Magic this ain’t. It’s a camera lens going backwards and forwards enlarged and badly superimposed in a white room, with a woman’s voice put through a cheap computer voice emulator. And then there’s Jenny Frost. I love the fact that she’s there to promote natural beauty yet she looks like she loves to trowel on tons of slap herself. I have no idea who she is but she’s brilliant. She sets the tone perfectly and doesn’t patronise the over made up badly dressed brigade. I haven’t been bothered to Wikipedia her ass as I don’t want to be disappointed that she might be the winner from “I’m a Prick Get Me Out of Here” or be famous for being spit roasted by a gang of closet homosexual brain dead overpaid footballers.

I think the winning formula of his show is they genuinely have Joe Public on it. They’re really lovely at their best and at their worst, a bit dim and shallow but inoffensive. And I can certify that they’re real people due to the fact that I recognised one of my friends from facebook on it. And by “friend”, of course I mean someone I’ve never met.

When a lot of the more annoying people get the “make under” the first thing you notice is, they’re suddenly not as annoying as they were at the start of the show. Their personalities haven’t changed, they are suddenly more palatable when you’re not in fear of them catching fire with all the products they cover themselves in. In other words, when you look into their tacky, fake tan, towelled on foundation faces, all you hear is “whatever”, “der fing is yeah” and “but ah can’t live wivout ma nails man” and you make your mind up that they’re a bunch of shallow bastards. Without the slap and a tasteful outfit, you listen to “everything” they have to say and suddenly it’s not quite so annoying. Some of them turn out to be downright charming. Don’t get me wrong, Stephen Fry doesn’t need to start pooing the bed just yet for fear of being out intellectualised by the Snog Marry Avoid paprty.

The only people so far I had no time for was the gay man and fat girl who sprayed themselves orange and dressed like they wanted look like they were in Heat magazine, but could only dress themselves in what they found in carrier bags outside a charity shop. To be honest, it wasn’t that they looked shit, it was more down to the fact that they worshipped Peter Andre and Jordan. Pod decided not to give them a makeover. She said it would get in the way of their friendship, but I think the producers decided that they’d made a mistake and wanted shot of these c***s ASAP.


About Mike Belgrave

I am Mike Belgrave, stand up comedian. animator, outsider music musicologist, shambolic ukulele player and music video director extraordinaire.
This entry was posted in Snog Marry Avoid, TV. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Snog Marry Avoid

  1. I watched it last night when I was looking for Trash TV – here is my blog on it

    Jenny Frost was in a band, I think it may have been Atomic Kitten but not sure to be honest, but definitely a girl band of some sort.

    Like your post a lot and completely agree that they do seem to be less annoying when the make-up is off, but where do they find those ‘alternative’ people???

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